Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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