M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
