it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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