Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm passing your future prison.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
