I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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