plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
