I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
