Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
