Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
