Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
