All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
