someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
