Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
