I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
