sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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