one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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