she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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