I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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