Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
