I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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