And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
