Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im drinking this country out of the recession.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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