just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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