im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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