Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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