I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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