Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
