I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
