i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
