Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
