U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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