You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
