I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
