Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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