Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
