8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
