At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
