were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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