i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
