i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
