everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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