Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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