Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
