Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
