she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
