Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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