oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
