i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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