Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
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