Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
