Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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