I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
