Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
